pardon me

I’m bummed I missed this candle release today by an hour and they are all sold out. they were really pretty and I was going to get them as gifts.. I had an alarm set but I left my phone upstairs for 5 hours..

I’m in a good place. It’s new and strange but there’s no going back. I spent the night trying to forgive myself for my regrets and also making promises to myself to not make any more. Today I woke up and felt like I could make amends, like I could reach out to those I’ve been avoiding and abandoning because of my own faults and try to mend whatever may be there and if it doesn’t work, I’ll let it go.

I always feel like there is so much going on .. my mind moves so fast, and so much goes through it at once. I’m trying to balance the thoughts with what I can do in real life, but I’ve never really intentionally tested my limits. There have definitely been “mistakes I got right” times where I’ve taken risks and things have worked out fine, but I haven’t been very bold in a long time. I try to stay in this line I’ve drawn.. this safe place where nothing goes completely wrong.. out of fear that I’ll break down or be too weak to handle anything negative.. that I’ll end up in a dark place.. I am still terrified of myself; Of the depths that my mind can go, & I don’t want to go there ever again but I have to break out of this safe box; its where I don’t choose for myself, or I don’t feel for myself. I don’t step on toes, I don’t have real feelings, I don’t dare to let anyone down, I don’t say how I feel and I keep grudges to myself. But I don’t want to be There. There only gets me “friends” I don’t want to be around or talk to, There gets me numb, There gets me pessimistic.. There is dark too. I think instead of searching for the light I tried to make the most of the dark place I was in, I allowed my eyes to adjust to the dimness.
I do feel I have this light about me now, that I’ve found the switch. Now I feel this feeling that as long as I don’t bite my tongue, and as long as I don’t make decisions regarding others before myself, as long as I let myself feel what I truly feel it’ll be ok, it’ll be fine.. one switch will lead to the next and soon enough everything will be bright. I feel more and more at peace the more I connect with myself, the more I tap into my mind. Even the negatives don’t feel bad anymore.

I’ve forgiven myself for dwelling in that dark place so long. I forgive myself for being afraid, and for being hurt, and for hurting, and for trying to hold on to things that weren’t meant for me. I forgive myself for losing me. I forgive me for adapting to and absorbing characteristics that are not true to me. I forgive me for not trying, and for trying too hard, and for drowning out anything I felt too intensely. I forgive me for being preoccupied, and investing my precious time to things that never mattered. I forgive myself for being forgetful, mindless, and selfish.

& I forgive me for missing that candle release.

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