saturn come home

something has truly come over me. I am in a completely different mindset and space than I’ve ever really been before. It’s hard to explain but this realization that I envision other things for myself that are not reflected in what I’m doing now. I never really saw that picture of me in my “picture perfect life” as a goal just as an idea, something to aspire to. But now I’m just like well why not? And I think I realized I have been preoccupied with so many things I really don’t care about, and I’ve spent so much time just trying to meet myself where I’m at that I just don’t understand what I’m still doing here. SO a lot of things have changed but not really much. I just feel like my days are so much more fulfilling when I do something other than go to work. (and I’m not counting the after work hangouts thats a different story about my new dislike of drinking) But doing something productive or fun or meaningful in some way, that will lead to a better life for me everyday has changed my perspective on so many things.
I could write all day in circles about this but I have things to do, and will probably have more clarity on these developments as time passes.
I feel optimistic, for the real first time in a long time.

just [make sure you] do it.

everything just feels slightly off. like not quite right. I don’t know how to adjust and its making me feel weird and uncomfortable. Maybe going back to work or really establishing a routine will help.
I was thinking to myself yesterday how I really need to DEDICATE time to doing what I want to be doing, instead I just kind of let my free time be occupied by others.

No more of me on the back burner.

who’s number one?

This year is the first year I really felt like it was a brand new start. With so much self reflection happening all at once I just feel like something is different.
I had a dream that I booked my flight for LA for today, and I was at the airport and missed the shuttle to the other airport and had to rebook my flight all to be on time for the shuttle for that one and realize I booked my flight for Jan 2 & the hotel and concert are Jan 19. So then faced with the decision do I hop on the plane im already here for and book a last minute hotel and rebook the flight again or do I stay home and forfeit the plane ticket.
I decided to stay home and got no refund but I think just the hassle of traveling and all I had already done and having to do even more was enough to say fuck it lets go home to bed.
Feels super reflective of life right now.
Everything is so scheduled. Work. Work, squeeze in friendship, Sleep. Work. squeeze in friendship Work, Sleep. and I’m just so tired. I’ll take a break and give up on whatever.
With my new year new me, I’m gonna start to let some things go, I don’t need this trip, I don’t need this shift, we can hang out another time. I need to put myself first, take that nap, stay in that night, call off work, say no to whatever. I need to be my main priority.

whipped

I had to document last night. Honestly, it was overdue. Not what I got from it, but an open honest conversation where we would both take accountability for our choices was so necessary. But the outcome really melts my heart. I thought I was sick before the way I want him, the way I try to make him happy, the way we don’t let each other go. Now. I’m not going anywhere unless he tells me to. It’s even worse. But I wanted this, this was everything I wanted. Now I know I know.

Grand theft auto

I am so tired all the time. My patience for certain people is so low. But for others I am so gentle. I see me being more thoughtful and idk righteous? Im doing the right things and the Im doing good & nice things. Communicating more, being less anti everything.

Theres this one guy I work with who is so negative all the time he never has anything positive to say and it BLOWS me. There could be no one speaking to him and he will inject himself into a conversation that has nothing to do with him and say some bs. That energy irritates me and makes me think thats how I was before always saying what I dont like or putting something down. its annoying.

I also did something last week that when I was doing it I did debate with myself thinking id regret it for a second but I did it anyway and now … well since then but especially after last night I dont. even last night I was thinking about if this is something I really want and want to stick with because it would require me to let go of things ive become comfortable with. I think I like the not knowing. having no zone to think of.

this entry is all over the place… im on my way to job number 1, I should have way more to say In a way that makes sense after tomorrow.

dynamic

I am definitely taking a break from everyone again. I feel like … I don’t fit in this space I’ve been in anymore.
My new job provides free talk space so I signed up. I also got that gym membership they offer as well. I feel like my mental has grown or developed some and that some other actions should reflect that.
I really just want to be overall healthy, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt that, I never cared because I never cared to live. But I don’t know what has happened but now I’m looking towards a future like… I’m actually imagining me months from now “5 years from now” and I’ve never thought about my life like that unless I was planning a trip.
I feel… disgusted with O. It’s so weird like everything in my mind says but you love him but I don’t feel that… anymore? or that I really did? I feel like I had some fucking fog over me? UGH this is so terrible. but now I’m just like turned off. He hasn’t grown any, although he says he has and I just feel like ew to that LOL. It’s so hard to describe but I feel like a lot of people who have been around me and never encouraged me to be better wanted me to be in this low ass place. And I feel so discouraged by how no one really expressed or saw my potential or told me I was fucking up and doing a disservice to myself. I think I have a lot of potential. I think my capabilities are so beyond where I am. But everyone just let me be .. static. But I feel like he did it intentionally, and sometimes I feel like he manipulated me too but it is what it is. I think that he nearly got fired from his current job may have started this feeling but even before then I was becoming more irritated or annoyed by him. Thats it I’m ANNOYED. as if he is a pest or leech who has been draining me literally deflating me for years. I’m so over it.
I kind of feel myself presenting the “new me” in weird instances like I have multiple personalities.

At work I am so irritated with everyone. at. both. jobs. But I’m blaming that on my lack of sleep. I try really hard to let the day job attitude carry on into the night job because I actually am in a positive mood there until someone annoying speaks to me. but in general I like it there. I think I like that they don’t know me. I think I like that I don’t speak to anyone and just do my job.
I definitely feel like majority of my relationships were built through work and I want to find other friends. Not saying I don’t like my friends but why are so many of them industry?? I want some more friends that like doing things I like to do.. not just drink. — I just literally after writing that booked a kayak for tomorrow.— I actually had a dream last night that me and Jenn when to that boat pier from my birthday with a double kayak and tried to launch ourselves. but anyway… I think that will clear my head a little I booked 3 hours…..

I am not accepting communications. my phone is on dnd and even when I see the messages im not inclined to respond. I really have to find some type of ground level with myself. Work is going to be weird at the job I actually speak to people at but it’ll be ok those that really have gotten to know me (J&F) will understand hopefully

I’m really nervous for this talk space thing but hopefully it is helpful. Also I have no idea what to do at the gym.

doors open.

I like the way this person noticing me, or knowing me doesn’t make me nervous.
I feel like a lot of the times when someone is trying to get to know me or gets too close or too deep I get uncomfortable and withdraw. I like to stay mysterious, at arms length. But for whatever reason I’m not worried about it. Not obsessing about whether I’ve said too much or if I said the wrong thing, or what they assume. Surprisingly I’m enjoying it. I like the way they are aware of me too.. and it encourages me to be aware of others more often.

constantly growing.

James Blonde

the last time I wrote I kind of touched on this, but I am so tired of dulling myself down, out of fear of rejection, out of fear of losing popularity. I have lost so much of myself for the sake of being generally well liked. I’m over it. Rather be alone than dim. I dyed my hair.. well put highlights. some parts are reallllly terribly done but overall I love it. I’ve been wearing earrings, nothing too bold yet because I think I look kinda crazy in them anyway. I’ve been saying exactly what I think instead of thinking about how what I say will be heard. I’ve been unapologetically indulging in what I want when I want. I walked to the store because I NEEDED to get the champagne color highlights to go with the caramel but I also bought make up and new nail polish, I feel like a brand new person. I also think I’m hooked on lightening my hair I’m going to probably add more blonde in the future.