I am definitely taking a break from everyone again. I feel like … I don’t fit in this space I’ve been in anymore.
My new job provides free talk space so I signed up. I also got that gym membership they offer as well. I feel like my mental has grown or developed some and that some other actions should reflect that.
I really just want to be overall healthy, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt that, I never cared because I never cared to live. But I don’t know what has happened but now I’m looking towards a future like… I’m actually imagining me months from now “5 years from now” and I’ve never thought about my life like that unless I was planning a trip.
I feel… disgusted with O. It’s so weird like everything in my mind says but you love him but I don’t feel that… anymore? or that I really did? I feel like I had some fucking fog over me? UGH this is so terrible. but now I’m just like turned off. He hasn’t grown any, although he says he has and I just feel like ew to that LOL. It’s so hard to describe but I feel like a lot of people who have been around me and never encouraged me to be better wanted me to be in this low ass place. And I feel so discouraged by how no one really expressed or saw my potential or told me I was fucking up and doing a disservice to myself. I think I have a lot of potential. I think my capabilities are so beyond where I am. But everyone just let me be .. static. But I feel like he did it intentionally, and sometimes I feel like he manipulated me too but it is what it is. I think that he nearly got fired from his current job may have started this feeling but even before then I was becoming more irritated or annoyed by him. Thats it I’m ANNOYED. as if he is a pest or leech who has been draining me literally deflating me for years. I’m so over it.
I kind of feel myself presenting the “new me” in weird instances like I have multiple personalities.
At work I am so irritated with everyone. at. both. jobs. But I’m blaming that on my lack of sleep. I try really hard to let the day job attitude carry on into the night job because I actually am in a positive mood there until someone annoying speaks to me. but in general I like it there. I think I like that they don’t know me. I think I like that I don’t speak to anyone and just do my job.
I definitely feel like majority of my relationships were built through work and I want to find other friends. Not saying I don’t like my friends but why are so many of them industry?? I want some more friends that like doing things I like to do.. not just drink. — I just literally after writing that booked a kayak for tomorrow.— I actually had a dream last night that me and Jenn when to that boat pier from my birthday with a double kayak and tried to launch ourselves. but anyway… I think that will clear my head a little I booked 3 hours…..
I am not accepting communications. my phone is on dnd and even when I see the messages im not inclined to respond. I really have to find some type of ground level with myself. Work is going to be weird at the job I actually speak to people at but it’ll be ok those that really have gotten to know me (J&F) will understand hopefully
I’m really nervous for this talk space thing but hopefully it is helpful. Also I have no idea what to do at the gym.