half true

hello dream blog.
just kidding.
I did have a super hectic dream last night so much was going on including me getting back with an ex (N) and almost instantly breaking up again. I lived on Emerson, I was friends with my old friends, it was really like reliving the past but being me now. I did not enjoy it. The ending overall was good because I had my good sense but there was so much chaos that went on through out.
The other day I finally wrote a private entry and laid out everything. It was only password protected before I really felt that it was not something to share with anyone, maybe ever. So for my records and purposes everything is documented. I did share about the happy things, about what is bringing me joy. AND I think this dream was a little nod to myself to keep going the way I’m going, don’t go back to the past “you won’t enjoy it as much.”
I’m trying to work up the desire to see a friend I’ve really been avoiding, but I just keep coming up with excuses not to go to Sunday dinner. It’s really hard for me to see people on a consistent basis it’s too much I’m much better as a extended time frame friend. We don’t have to talk for weeks or months and then catch up. I honestly don’t have that much going on now that I want to talk about or want to share every week & (this is really terrible) but I don’t want to hear about their shit either EVERY WEEK.
I understand that not everyone is like me with relationships but why don’t they understand that I am not like them? I’ve told this friend that I need breaks from people I need time by myself often. and they kind of blew it off and basically said they wouldn’t accept that… SO since then I’ve taken it into my own hands and have avoided them.
I checked in on the apartment status the other night and it sounds like more excuses. I’m trying to remain focused on the goals but I’m tempted to just say fuck it and stay and save again another year.
I don’t know how accurate this was but I was looking at houses… nothing in decent condition like SUPER fixer uppers, but I saw one for $25,000 and in my head I could work on it or find people to help work on it until it was livable and still stay where I am until its done, but I know that is ambitious. My dream featured a few beach houses (haha that was my contact name for N before so weird) that were owned by other people but I kept renting out over and over. I’m gonna figure something out I guess.
this was longer than I intended hopefully I will sleep better, and not dwell too much on the past and keep looking towards the goal.

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