haunting.

I feel like relationships have been super difficult for me. All types. With all that has happened. I really underestimated people & their ability to understand me. I think since I was a young girl and more blatantly when I was a teenager I felt misunderstood. And was made aware that my feelings were true, I was told I was complicated or in my mothers words “Where is your father? I don’t understand you.” And I feel like since going through all these times that really made me feel isolated and then having my negative feelings validated did a lot of damage, to myself esteem and also how I dealt with relationships. don’t talk about yourself, people don’t like you, be simple, be easy, be fun, make them laugh.. this is how you keep others around. Today I look back and I don’t know why I should’ve ever been put down like that.. why I felt picked on.. like why did they pick on me, and pick me apart? and like its whatever now, now I just find myself trying to express my genuine feelings and almost immediately retreating or offering no explanation for things I’ve done or said just because I don’t think whoever I’m talking to will understand. quit while im ahead.

The other day I wrote a draft and it was about how one of my friends isn’t really that great of a friend, but literally all the reasons were I haven’t told them this, or they don’t know this about me.. and for whatever reason I didn’t finish or publish the post. Then I felt I was having two completely different conversations with two of my best friends about the same thing at the same time and that was just weird, but I’m only including it now that I’m really thinking about this because today I was talking to a guy and its back and forth us trying to explain the thing we said 6 messages ago and he’s like it’s not this complicated but I just responded “well..

I quit, unwilling to further explain myself and still be misunderstood when I can end the conversation before it gets any more complicated. Not telling anyone how I feel, what I think, or what’s going on with me because they won’t understand.. it’ll be too complicated. I’m glad I’m noticing this, but I have definitely let this impact a lot of relationships and situations, I don’t extend(?) myself in away, I don’t put anything out there really unless I really have a bond with someone I’ll explain over and over and over or tell every single thing to.. I feel like it takes a while or some form of commitment for me to get there with people and sometimes it happens too quickly and my negative feelings are again validated and I spin out…
My thoughts on this are not fully formed but I literally just started thinking about this, when I was debating double texting that dude and explaining again. … I didn’t I wrote this instead. But I definitely will be more aware of this and give people some credit, there are some that will understand, i’m not that bad.

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