one night only

I binged the entire Ginny and Georgia I related to them so much! At some point the daughter did get annoying, but I can definitely see me in that 15/16 year old, the disgust, and disappointment, and anger, like all that residual shit building up and reaching an age where you expect yourself to know things about life.. but you don’t. Even the major shit you DO know and what you understand through all the bs you went through .. still don’t know anything, Haha. It was briefly comical to even relate and look back and laugh at myself and this little girl. The mother tho, I see me in her too, I feel like I’m that type of person not as charming or beautiful but definitely manipulative, observant, secretive & distant even if you’re close. Her penguin tho.. I was happy not to see similarities there. I’d like to have a penguin someday maybe different life circumstances and outcomes but a penguin would be nice. cute.
I also had a weird dream very weird dream. first this is the second dream I’ve had recently that featured Victoria. But second it was an I’m pregnant dream.. Victoria was too. I’ve had pregnant dreams before but usually I have a baby and something crazy happens, like the baby morphs into someone else or some weird thing but this one was like.. people were telling me I was pregnant and I was like no im not and then I was like taking tests and they were validating me and then changing. but it was this cycle of no one knows for sure what the f is going on. Third I think this dream was apart of me panicking about health care. Because for the second half of the dream I kept trying to find a doctor, and get to a doctor but I knew I had no insurance so it was difficult? or took me a long time, I think by the time I woke up my stomach had grown like I was pregnant so I still needed a doctor anyway, damn insurance. & fucking taxes. I still don’t know why Victoria was there and why she was pregnant too but I def tried to get her to give me her doctors info, like a family doctor. I’m laughing so much remembering this.
Last thing I wanted to document was I hung out with Chris last night, I know no matter what I will be Chris’s friend. but last night was not fun. I was sober and he was not. My opposite schedule is really really to blame for this I guess, I woke up at 5ish yesterday he text me at 6 to meet at 8:30.. so by the time I get to him it’s still morning to me, I finished a coffee got ready got there, he’s LIT. he has a bottle of tequila in his pocket a water bottle in the other smoking a blunt and I’m just… I don’t know I was unprepared. He wanted to chill at The Cliff and smoke and drink but, me very sober minded and knowing he’s been basically living in Baltimore since January was like nah lets not swap germs bro I can chill sober. But it was just impossible, nothing I said was heard like I really don’t think he could understand what I was saying. The less I drink the more embarrassed I feel for my drunk life, but thats another story. Maybe because I hadn’t had breakfast, maybe because I was sober, maybe because it was 50 degrees and he thought sitting outside in the dark on the rocks drinking liquor out the bottle was gonna be fun. I did feel condescending, I felt like we were bums. Maybe if it had actually been warm, like a once above average day is not lets really chill outside weather to me… there will be other days ya know? 50 degrees/60 degrees doesn’t say to me lets go outside and chill, it says maybe I don’t need all my hat gloves and scarf I can take a layer off. Now I’ve ranted about this for far too long — long story short, I didn’t want to be outside, I didn’t want to swap germs, I didn’t want to be sober, we took unnecessary detours/trips/walks because I nothing I said was processed, it was really frustrating. so I cancelled plans today. This experience will not change me and his relationship at all, but I definitely feel like this was the first of many of these experiences I will have with many other ‘friends‘ who I’m maybe not so bonded with.

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