human

I know I can be “anti” sometimes and focused on a “love life
but you know something I love? my platonic guy friends. The ones where I’ve never had to question their intentions are you only nice to me for carnal knowledge? I only have a couple but they are so perfect. And it’s not even that we don’t acknowledge attraction but we are friends. *Angelo, Russell, & Peter are the BEST Ekesh, & Stechmann also count but we talk a lot less often. (I put Peter at the end because I do acknowledge my own bias because I did have a crush for five minutes in high school, but it never made a difference & didn’t come to light until it was over. But he is first place.)
It’s just a good feeling, that we talk about things LIKE REAL LIFE, I don’t think they have asked me what my favorite color is. We have interests not necessarily in common but we share them with each other. We don’t look for some connection or deeper level intimacy it just is what it is, we enjoy each other. It’s so rare and it’s magic.
I know that I’m apart of the problem & the reason that it is rare because I think everyone likes me likes me (im usually right) but I wish I wasn’t. I think that has shifted my mentality. I used the words intentional, and deliberate before.. even aware? I think that was wrong of me. I think my mind, even though I felt it was, was not in the right place. I think I was coming from a place of wanting control, needing to almost create what I wanted, burdening myself with being in charge. Today, I don’t want to set courses for relationships with others I don’t want to have an intention. I am not the creator. I don’t have any power. I’m just here, having experiences, that I can share with others who have experiences.
I don’t know why I feel like that true genuineness shows through my cis-male relationships so much but I love that feeling. I’m very happy to have them.

*while I have many guy friends, I disqualified any that have had carnal knowledge, have flirted, made me feel uncomfortable, or like boys.

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