Up against

Updating from O’s bed. Last night was… surreal. I was isolating in the bathroom crying about “us” and how things weren’t how I felt they were.. he was talking to his friend Roy (who also lives in his building) about us and that the bahamas trip was supposed to say the things I’ve wanted to hear but as I was hearing it I could only cry and he came in the bathroom picked me up and told me how much he loved me. I cried more. I really discredit our relationship when I’m in a bad mood or don’t want to feel accountable for my actions. I’ve got to stop that. I know and he knows. Hearing him tell his friend was new to me. He even asked if I’d overheard them because I don’t think it’s something he’d just say to me outright. That the Bahamas trip was supposed to say he was serious about me and show how much he loved me and that it was real. Roy had my back and told him “she doesn’t know this she needs to hear this before she believes it” sometimes i think Roy likes me better than O but that’s his BFF. I should bring O more into my circle. I keep him at a distance because I’ve been unsure about him and sometimes we’re up and sometimes we’re down. But I do love him. And I should be better to him no matter how unsure I get.

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