I started nothing

the universe is playing tug-of-war with me, against me. Part of me is so exhausted and defeated that I don’t even want to want anything. I don’t want to think about what I should do or what I need to do I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, know anything, see anything. But this is still life right? and I have to do something.
Seeing my dad was like another slap in the face.. big ass reminder of how my heads not in the right place and I’ve been so distant. I didn’t know how close covid came to him.

How do I have relationships that I can be completely absent from?

How has one of them been my father??

I tried to do some soul searching and reevaluating by painting. I didn’t get any answers or solutions but it helped distract me. Reading V. has not been helpful at all, I keep getting lost in the story thinking of what’s going on with me and having to reread. (the speech? language? I know there’s a real word for this but how its written is distracting too, and hard to read)

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