Having a casual 7:30pm coffee. My head is still in a whirlwind. I’m feeling a lot of hopelessness, a lot of anger, a lot of sadness, and most of all disappointment.
That disappointment is flooding out in every aspect of my life right now and in all my views of everyone, and the world around.
I’m trying to focus on things I can control but it feels like that is nothing, or that those things are so tiny or so personal that they’ve never been out of my control, and all this time I’ve still done nothing with the control. (I don’t know if that makes sense, I’m just outputting everything in my brain right now, sorry) I am by no means an activist, I know that I have little to none, & irrelevant control. So I do what I can: try to be a good person.
The tao says (rough translation) ~ true goodness is being good to those who are good and those who are not, and true trust is trusting those who are trustworthy and those who are not~ .. It’s so hard to even fathom doing that at a time like this. Before yesterday reading and rereading my tao was helpful in trying to calm and empty my mind but now it just seems like a load of bull. I hate to lose faith, especially over this, but my faith in humanity is shaken, my trust in people being sentient beings, my belief that people would rather do the right things, would rather be good .. everything is in jeopardy. Had it been the group acting out alone I wouldn’t be this disappointed but all of the participants, all the compliance and enticement, and for it all to be broadcast live.. Someone somewhere should’ve done the right thing or any good thing when the opportunities presented themselves.
Is all I’m in control of and working for for myself in vain? Why should I work on being vulnerable and work on being better for a world that wants destruction and disruption. AND what I really hate about this is the good guys are winning! I shouldn’t feel this way, things are in motion to change and get better but all thats on the TV is chaos and madness. Then I end up in a mindset where I don’t want to be tuned in or keeping up with everything going on but I live here.. I see what they did yesterday and know thats not all they are capable of, I’m disappointed they have an audience, disappointed they have help, disappointed they think they have a cause.
I’ve been trying to distract myself but nothing really does the trick. This isn’t going away.