let me live

I feel like the universe is always out for me. I was more prepared for this around Christmas, I expected a few random guys to come out of no where and say merry Christmas or happy holidays, but this new year.. whew…
there is actually one that may be a conflict in the long run for O and I, but I’m going to do my best to keep it proper.
All of the wildest messages came on FB.. & makes me want to go through the friends list and get rid of some people. I just feel like everyone I’ve ever known has access to me through there. And I don’t necessarily want to block someone or deny access, but I don’t want to pop up on some people’s timeline, or cross their minds. Someone messaged me saying they had a dream about me. I haven’t seen this guy since York, we haven’t spoken in years. It is just bizarre to me.
It also makes me think about the persistence some of these guys have & relations I had with them, like wow, was I really that memorable? Is it really that comfortable to approach or contact me years later or out of the blue? This is what I meant by my impact on others, there are definitely people I think about or that cross my mind but, I guess I am not comfortable digging up the past. All my memories are not great, I remember some pretty messed up times, I remember being a pretty messed up person. But these people don’t think that, they remember something that makes them want to connect again.
I guess one thing though, I will almost always entertain the messages, I just like to know what goes on, so I understand the comfort and the ease of sending a risky message, and I do like that about me. I don’t want anyone I’ve had relations with to feel uncomfortable connecting with me. I’d just like it to not be so fucking random sometimes.
It’s like as soon as I said I really wanted to work on me and O, and as soon as things felt perfect the universe threw every contender at me at once. Like I said in the long run there may be one that might pose a real threat, but it is because he is close to my family. He his my aunt Elizabeth’s –husbands — best friend. I must be very memorable because I met him once last year, he drove me home, we played would you rather in the car. Monthsss later he added me on FB and posted a would you rather on my wall. memorable. Now he is asking when I will be around again, and to be honest I don’t just go and chill at my aunts house now because she is kind of far.. but it’s my aunt I’m around for life. and I guess he will be too if their marriage is built to last. The others I don’t take seriously or am just not interested in .. for the most part ( the exception of Bamdar, I always have had it in the back of my mind that I would/could marry him, but he is also far, but persistent in keeping up with me). The timing of everything is just too fucked. I just want to be happy with where I am and what I’ve got, but the universe likes to remind me what is out there and how much I really have, or what I could have.

I haven’t swayed from what I want to do, its just kind of annoying that I’m always met with challenges.

Not to dwell on this dream thing but, as impactful as that dream was just on my own mentality it was also a warning? a prediction? that ex reached out to me. At first the convo was giving “this man is insane” a little, but oddly enough he let it die down, didn’t press me to be more invested in anything, he claims to be doing better and I am happy to hear it.

Day one of the new year and this is the first thing on my routine I am doing … I am doing bad. But I will still do everything I have planned to do, I’m just not in much of a rush today. The ultimate goal will be to make more of my day and the intention is that I will complete my routine before noon, but seeing as I am just now waking up at 1:34pm I’ll give myself a break today take my time and do things right.

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