Yesterday, I had a dream and it really messed with my head. It was a happy dream, despite everything that was apart of it to make it unhappy, I was genuinely happy waking up. I’ve been thinking a lot about my dreams and how I really need to find the balance with reality. I’ve struggled with my delusions a lot, not in really major ways but they’ve definitely impacted the real life I’m living.
Well, now (as of yesterday) I’m allowing them to have only positive impacts.
So details first about The Dream:
Where I remember it starting was in a bed, me and my ex, in an awkward silence.. in reality we haven’t seen each other in over a year since I left him in Atlanta. Reuniting after time apart was obviously the awkward part, yet we were comfortable. In real life, I’ve not felt comfortable enough to even meet to exchange things with him. But there we were comfortable, silent, knowing what went down and where things are, and I broke the silence with “you know we’re supposedly getting married today,” he knew, thats why we’d been reunited, he asked if I would go through with it, and I said I guess we’ll find out. I left him and went about the day getting the catering together, getting dressed, giving Jenn and Peter their matching suits, moving chairs from the lawn because it was going to rain, having to decide who would be sitting in the rain because the chairs wouldn’t all fit inside, getting dressed and ultimately being rushed to walk the aisle without any makeup on in the rain with a broken umbrella… I walked past the people seated outside past the lawn with a tree and a swing, all the way up the steps into this bungalow that had the food, bar, and our family and friends. There were these two children who felt like they were his children, but not mine in real life he doesn’t have children. My best friend gives me a bouquet and stands next to me, the wedding song ends, another awkward silence. The young girl asks for flowers from my bouquet, I shared until I only had one flower and a couple baby’s breaths. We waited a long time. I was discouraged but I wouldn’t leave. Wouldn’t go to the back. Wouldn’t cry or be distraught. Endless time passed, the young girl made a remark of how he would always show up for her, and I laughed it off. I heard commotion and someone said he’s coming, he walks through the door in this weird.. weird white sleeveless vest and some black jeans and vans. I couldn’t help but smile/laugh. He smiled back and walked right up and hugged me. In this embrace, he whispered I’m glad you’re here, and I said it back, he apologized for being late and said he loved me, I asked.. do you want to do this?, he said I don’t. There was no heartbreak. I turned to the room of everyone and said: the weddings not happening, please eat and drink enjoy yourselves. we kissed and walked out the back door to the lawn where the swing was. In the drizzle we sat on the lawn, me in my white dress him in his white vest and we just talked and laughed and caught up on lost time. When we did reenter the bungalow to the party our families were asking questions.. because we were happy with each other, we were together, not married, but together. We answered the questions whatever they were and we answered them honestly and that was just where we were now.. because in a room full of expectations, all eyes on us, he told the truth, no matter how hard it might have been, we were honest with ourselves. it was beautiful.
Yes when I woke up I was tempted to reach out to him.. but I had to force reality back into my brain BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO. But I did try to take that dream and apply it to relevant and realistic situations.. of course with O. It made me think about how open I am with him. How I allow not having a title hold me back from him, when thats really not what matters. I realized I want a title so that I won’t stray, so that there’s something holding me accountable. But I talked about this yesterday, I’m working on holding myself accountable without declarations. And beyond the title, I tell him everything– all the facts. But as far as feelings, I keep them to myself. When I get around him I actively tell myself not to indulge, not to enjoy myself too much. It’s not fair its not right, it’s pretty stupid and unfulfilling. So I’m taking that dream, understanding there are expectations but knowing that they aren’t all that important so long as our bond is genuine and honest and existent. I’ll do better, if not with or for him, with and for myself.
With 2020 coming to an end I just want to say I’m very grateful for this year, for covid (R.I.P. to those who lost lives, thats not why I’m grateful). The world literally shut down, and gave me a chance to breathe, to focus, to reevaluate where I’ve come from, where I was, and where I want to go. I couldn’t have gotten this far without the time and space. You know how they always say time heals everything? or it takes time yada yada? I didn’t have time for time before this year. I think I used everything as a distraction or a crutch and never really dealt with me. Theres a lot of dealing to still do, but I’m proud of where I am, and what I’m doing to keep moving forward. It makes me even more appreciative of those who have really stood by me through my not so proud moments; times where I wasn’t dealing with me and made me a problem for everyone else who chose to be around. 2021 none of that. I want it to always be a good time with me. If I’m problematic I’ll keep me to myself. I’ll also, be honest.. in the face of expectations. And find comfort with those that find comfort with me.
Could’ve saved that last part for tomorrow, but I’ll think of more things I’m working at.